||[Dec. 29th, 2009|02:59 pm]
Disclaimer: I'm not asking for pity here or trying to control what other people do, I am just exploring my thoughts. |
I have been crying a lot lately. Of note that I remember, started? with watching Avatar. No, I remember getting choked up before that, (well, of course, but) on tumblr, on yesmeansyesblog. Wrong is wrong is wrong. After watching Avatar I've been thinking about it a lot, not too hard to do since it's still being pushed heavily and it's so fresh and people still talk about it, mention it. At first I thought to myself, after watching the movie, I'm upset by the movie but I'm still glad that I experienced watching it, so I will know what people are talking about, so I can join the conversation meaningfully and with context on my mind. But now I'm sick of it. Every time it's mentioned I remembered all the things I didn't like about it. I'm sick of it being mentioned because I think of all the people, SO MANY people who don't see the same horrible things I do. Am I taking this too personally? I do feel glad when someone knows where I am coming from. I have to be careful not to rely too much on that.
I think of all the people that have been and are hurting from the concepts displayed in Avatar. Even though Avatar is meant to draw an analogy to colonialism and it overtly presents itself as anti-colonialism, there's still too many things wrong with it.
( Cut for spoilers.Collapse )
Whenever I cry I think about how crying is looked down and how it's weak. But as I argued on the nursing forum, it's not properly "weak" until it interferes with one's ability to perform one's responsibilities competently... of course people may be put off and feel a bit off balance maybe? questioning your ability, but I feel like that is something that can be changed with time, as the perception of how acceptable crying is changes. We have feelings, it is ok to express them.
Then I think about the time I watched The Science of Sleep at MICA, and afterwards filing out noticed a girl still in her seat watching the credits rolling, clutching the back of the seat in front of her and crying, eyes and face wrinkled up and tears squeezing out. At the moment I felt such utter contempt for her. Stupid girl. But why?? Am I doing the same thing now? She was affected by the movie in a way I was not, can I judge her?
The way I saw it then (and still see now, but of course I don't know exactly why or what she is crying for), Gael Garcia Bernal's character wasn't sympathetic. He played a childish, head in the clouds fool, but because he is so handsome and because his appeal is obvious to one of the ideal artistic sensibilities that itself is attractive (and maybe seen as the "only" way to be artistic) to people who become art students, we are supposed to overlook his weirdness. If GGB didn't look like himself, if he was a fucking ugly toad, would that girl have still been crying? Would it have been popular? I felt frustrated w/ his character, for being so scared that he lived inwards, unable to parse real life, and yet was rewarded by the movie with a mate of like mind, with love. He lives a life that will be unattainable by a lot of people. (isn't it? ) Maybe I feel like the movie is irresponsible. (Should it be responsible?) In any case it represented to me, another influence that asks a certain audience, who most likely are emotionally immature, to be like itself.
Being scared of life isn't romantic. Being unable to deal with real life at all isn't romantic.
I do believe that the utmost majority of life is built out of utterly arbitrary human constructs. But that doesn't mean I should go breaking every law in order to prove it or my defiance. That's just. rude.
So you know that you are in control of your life and you DON'T have to live it a certain way, you don't have to follow the way of your disapproving parents or the one of society at large. It doesn't mean you should be obnoxious and rude to people who DO choose to live that way, people you think are "sheep," cos who the fuck do you think YOU'RE modelling your behavior after? ya damn shoop.
It IS wonderful to be able to create wonderful things you take pleasure in. But GGB's character had some serious issues, and I don't think the movie really dealt with that. (Maybe it did, at one point I think his love interest was disturbed by him? Although she went back to him in the end.) Do I want him to end up horribly?
I think my issue with it is that it contributed to a feeling that your unique way of living makes you superior to others. That it's ok to be considered odd and socially fucking stupid because those other people just don't get it. They're normals, they're just blind sheep.